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| You know how they say that growing older and learning more about the world makes one grow stronger?
I think...it makes me grow weaker and weaker.
Before, Rachelle would never cry. Never. When I broke my arm in grade 5, I bit my lip and refused to cry.
Neither would she get angry. Things aren't just worth getting angry about...my cool exterior had to be maintained.
I wouldn't care about going out of my way to please my parents...to surprise them on special days....
I would never expose my feelings.
I would never stoop down and beg.
I never admit it's my fault.
Never say sorry.
Didn't care.
Indifferent.
The Rachelle today....
is softer...way softer.
I call people when I'm feeling sad...I don't keep it all in.
I try to surprise my parents all the time to see a smile on their faces.
I tell my brother I love him.
I admit it's my fault
I feel genuinely sorry for things I've done
I tell my friends I love them
I worry about people
I tell people I worry
And......I cry. I cry cry cry cry cry.
Crying has always been a sign of weakness to me....I used to hate crying. I used to pride myself in being able to NOT cry NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Not if I break a bone, not if my computer suddenly fails after a long essay, notBut I'm turning way too soft these days...
Hmm...but a part of me prides myself in being able to cry now. Perhaps, crying is a sign of strength, like Prof. Raphael said (HAHAHAHA). I'm not afraid to show my emotions, not afraid to admit that I'm weak. At the same time, it exposes my vulnerability. Mm...perhaps vulnerability isn't such a weak thing either sometimes...after all, I never crawl out of my shell except to certain people.
Damn I'm turning girly.
What happened to skater, guyish Rachelle? Hahahaha.....
Is it just me who seems to get weaker as I grow older?
P.S. Guys, I'm fine...lolol I'm not going all emo don't worry....just bored with PHOM and wanna think about something else other than ENDOCRINE and HYPOTHALAMUS and HYPAPARPAPTHYHAISDOIFHRDOID. Life's good, take a chill pill, and enjoy the holidays soon guys ;) And as to those who wondered what happened to me today, you know who you are...don't ask.........long story. I'm fine.
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| has my curse been lifted?
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| HOLY SHIT.
another one.
im seriously cursed.
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| Songs.....songs are SUCH a evoker of memories. I've been listening to my old iTunes albums these few days, and it's been really emotional for me. Every song, every album, every artist...it evokes a very DEFINITE feeling of a particular time, place, person, situation.
Brian's album: when he came over for Christmas....actually, it was when he left.....and he was sitting in my car...and his mom was driving in his SLK in front of me to the airport and we were following her. Oh, it was snowing like a bitch too. And his mom was driving like 100 in that weather. Freakin awesome. Then we went to eat at White Spot at the airport and his Mom said I eat so little.
Ridin' by chamillionaire: Edison and Kelvin................I remember they were obsessed with this song....oh and the spoof video haha...oh and sitting in Tom's G35 listening to this too....I think this was when Tom still drove me
Drunken Tiger: trip with him and his friend to Whistler.....oh man.........haha he cooked oysters in the microwave with cheese..it was NASTY LOL and we had red wine. With kimchi ramyun. And kimchi that we brought along with us. LOL. Made by his mom. And then the crazy long traffic jam from Whistler back to Vancouver where those 2 were crazily singing various Korean songs....and we also had a lot of red bulls on the way back hahaha.
Jay Chou: gettin driven to school by John's aunt every morning and hearing this in the car...also the transition from driven by his aunt.............to gettin driven by tom..............then finally gettin driven by him. i don't even remember how that happened.
Eminem: his slk. his visiting me at the salon while i was getting my hair permed and taking me by surprise. fuck i wanna cry when i remember this. i was so touched.
Epik High: mm....this somehow reminds me of...Jenny Kim...and Caroline...haha.
Guns & Roses: oh definitely my tomboy period...me skateboarding............guitaring................etc
Se7en: when he drove me in his car everyday...........him and his brother..............every morning....................se7en evokes a LOTTTTTTTTTTTT of memories. it was like...OUR music.
Tei: him driving me home at 1, 2 am.....top down, speeding on Granville cuz there were no cars around...........hands held...............me tellin him that Tei makes me want to cry. Him calling me silly.
I don't even want to go on. Too many memories.....why won't "fate" (hahahaha this word evokes different kinds of memories) let me create new ones?? So many opportunities, but none of them I want to take. I think the problem also comes with the fact that I don't DO FLINGS....it just goes against my conscience. And I don't think it'll be happy...? The whole time you'd just be thinking of the fact that this will end anyways.
Mm............................back to work. Just had to let some feelings out. As Dan says, my feelings have been touching me lately. =]
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| I just had the best weekend of my entire year....with Eljay, Tom, and Raymond.
Damn.
To be continued.
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